The Humble Flumph

The simple and unassuming flumph, serenely floating in a serenity all its own. With an appearance akin to an airborne jellyfish with googlie eyes, they are both unimposing and ridiculous so flumphs are the often target of ridicule and physical attacks by those who believe there will be no reprisals. How wrong such assumptions are…

Lore

Dungeoneering DC 18: Flumphs make bouncing/squishy sounds when you land on them from above and their eyes rolls around when you poke them and if you flip ‘em upside down they can’t do nuthin’ except wave their little tentacles around.
Arcana DC 32: Flumphs are the most pants wetting terrifying monsters in the multiverse.

Encounters

They are sufficiently uninteresting that few creatures have attempted to enslave them or hunted them for sport. Flumphs are gregarious among their own kinds, though they usually avoid other creatures if possible. When encountered it is usually in groups in remote places.

Flumph (Level 1 Lurker)

Small aberrant beast (Small immortal beast) XP 100

Initiative +3

Senses: Perception +7

HP 28; Bloodied 14

AC 18; Fortitude 14; Reflex 18; Will 14

Resist 10 Acid

Speed 5 (fly)

Traits

Helpless If Flipped

If knocked prone, a flumph is stunned until the end of the encounter.

Dimensionally Aware

Born knowing of the existence of other dimensions, flumphs possess the ability to see into other planes of existence.

Standard

[M] Tentacle Strike • Encounter

Attack: Reach 2, +3 vs. Reflex

Hit: 1d6+1 Acid Damage, and target suffers a -2 penalty to Reflex defense until the beginning of the flumph’s next turn.

[CB] Liftoff • Daily

Attack: Close blast, 5+3 vs. Reflex

Hit: Target is pushed 2 squares and knocked prone, and the flumph flies six squares

Miss: Target is pushed 1.

[M] Drop Attack • Daily

Attack: +3 vs. Reflex

Hit: 1d6, the flumph drops from above, stabbing the target with its spiky bits.

[R] Rancid Spurt • Daily

Attack: Ranged 5; +3 vs. Fortitude

Hit: Affected targets are stunned (save ends), and then dazed (save ends).

Breaking the Fourth Wall • When Ever They Damn Well Want To

As part of their ability to see into other planes of existence, flumphs may influence the events in those others planes. This includes the creative process of artists, writers developers and… game developers. Yes. Game developers. All those writers and artists and what not, they don’t even know when we’re taking over the process. Hell, this guy thinks he’s writing about how to properly prepare мусака. Heh. That’s right, flumphs are responsible for the changes in every edition of every RPG ever. Hell, we are responsible for RPGs! Well, not F.A.T.A.L. The malevolent spirits of flaming stupidity are behind that one. But D&D and World of Darkness and Warhammer and Traveler and Call of Cthulhu and Paranoia and Deadlands, they all come from flumphs. Kicking out monks in the move from 1st Edition to 2nd Edition? That was all us. Oh yeah. All the spikey costumes in 3E? Pure flumph. The WoWing of D&D for 4E? Flumph! Flumph, flumph, flumph. You think the games have been flumphed already? Well, you’ve not seen anything yet! Resolving conflicts in Warhammer 4th edition will involve drinking games. Next version of Call of Cthulhu, you’re gonna have to keep a live squid on the gaming table. Get ready to hear the phrase “D&D 4 & 5/8ths – Now more ‘World of Warcraft’ and ‘World of Darkness’-like than either the ‘World of Warcraft’ or ‘World of Darkness’!” Bwa ha ha ha ha ha! Just a little something to think about next time you think it’s really funny to fall off a cliff and land on a flumph. We’ve got long memories. Bitches.

Alignment Unaligned

Languages Common, Supernal

Skills Stealth +8

Str 8 (-1)Con 12 (+1)Dex 16 (+3)

Int 20 (+4)Wis 14 (+2)Cha 10 (+0)

Flumphs in Combat

Flumphs flee combat if possible, using their liftoff ability as soon as possible. They will also defend each other, using tentacle strike, rancid burst and drop attack. The survivors of the encounter will employ break the fourth wall ability to make the other players alter your character sheet – and not remember doing so and in good imitation of your own handwriting – the next time you get up for a snack. Then they use the same power to surreptitiously inform you mother as to the whereabouts of your porn stash. Then they get nasty…

Note: This entry is a satire written for April Fool’s Day and is in no way intended to infringe on the rights of Wizards of the Coast or its parent company, Hasbro Inc.

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About The Grumpy Celt

Once upon a time, the Celt was the chief muscle and henchman of a Mad Scientist bent on world domination. However, after a salary dispute with the boss, the Celt tried to disassemble the company time machine with a sledge hammer. The explosion (which happened before he actually hit the time machine) stranded him being in 1911, and left him feeling Grumpy. Now he sends messages into the future, via a time capsule, where they are posted by his past self.

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